Where do I freakin' begin?!?!

Wow, it's been a long time since I've blogged and the more I procrastinate, the more things happen, and the more overwhelmed I get about where to start on blogging again. . .

So, I'm just going to jump in head first and start with the highlights:

1) am really starting to feel comfortable, truly comfortable, at my job
(a certain someone said it would take almost 6mos for this to happen)

2) involving myself in many fundraising walk, races, etc.
Hospice's "Walk to Remember", American Heart Assoc's "Heartwalk", American Cancer Society's "Relay for Life" and I'll be doing another one for the Susan G. Komen Foundation "Race for the Cure" on August 9th.

3)enjoying spending time with my Hospice patient at the nursing home. She seems to actually be making a recovery. As I visit more, she seems to be getting better, if that's possible. Last week, she talked to me the most she ever had.

4)Jonathan and I are doing great! I just enjoy his company so much! We are having a great time together. And I just Love his family!

5) I MOVED! This is my first place ever that I've moved in to that I am completely responsible for, that is ALL MY stuff and I just love it. It's a cozy 1bed 1.5bath townhome and I am loving decorating it!

6)I just bought my tickets to Virginia to visit Scott, Mandy, and Izzy the week of Labor Day, Saturday through Saturday! I am JUST so freakin' excited about it!

7) My birthday's tomorrow, and it really is the first birthday that I've really looked forward to celebrating! Not because of the age that I'm turning, it's not a big one or anything, but because of where I am in life, the people I have in my life, and the way I FEEL about life right now! I can't think of a better time to celebrate!

8)Mom and Dad are keeping Baxter for now, but I really do want to find a good home for him. While they take good care of him and provide him with his basic needs, they and I both know he could use a family that is going to provide him with as much attention as he craves (my dream would be a family on some land with kids). So if you know of anyone, please let me know!

9) I have been a selling maniac lately trying to get rid of the old and bring in the new! To date, I've sold over $750 worth of "stuff" since last March!!! I know, I know! So, now, I have a brand new couch, dining table, and it just looks so great, I'll post pics soon!

10) My life is a complete 180 from where it was at this exact same time a year ago. I was unhappily married, had been for the entire marriage, my husband was making phone calls to a girl that he went to school and promised he no longer was speaking with her. He even called her several times on my birthday last year. I didn't like/nor love my husband. I was moody, I was jealous of every friend I had, immensely depressed, I was. . .well, a mess. And had been for a long time. While I'm not going to say that I don't still get depressed sometimes, or don't still have things to work on, I have made some MAJOR steps to turn my life around and get it in the direction that it should have been in all along. My one realization is this, I could have NEVER gotten into this great part of my life had I not gone through those steps that I did to get here, and for that I'm grateful.

Ta ta for now!

The Dreaded Apartment Search

So here's the dilemma. . .I love the apartment that I'm in right now. It has ample storage in every single room (if only you could see my closet!), it has a great layout, and is quite large. Now that I'm downsizing I'm realizing how much I'm going to miss my apartment. I won't miss the actual apt complex (really bad parking, NO amenities except for a dinky pool, not to mention the not so friendly staff). If I decide to stay here in this complex b/c I've decided that my apt is just that great, then that means one HUGE problem: Baxter will be out of the family. I obviously can't have Baxter here anymore since he's over the weight limit and I already got in trouble once, which is why he's in OK with my parents. And also, if I decide that I can't take him back, then mom and dad can't keep him either. It's just too much for them since they already have another dog (which used to be my brother's; they somehow keep inheriting pets).

And what's to say that when I do bring him back he'll hate it here, even if I take him to the dog park every single day? I just don't know what to do. I love him and miss him so much and would like to think that he thinks the same of me enough to go back to apartment living. But I just don't know.

I've looked at apartments that are ok; I've looked at apartments that have absolutely incredible amenities (i.e. DOG PARK, movie theater, fitness rooms, pool, etc) but the apt wasn't ideal. I'm trying to come to terms with living in a smaller space if I want to save money AND have Baxter. Somehow, I just can't get a bigger apt for the same amount that I'd pay here for a one bedroom, but also take large dogs.

Seriously. . .does it really have to be this difficult?

Only Enough Energy for an Update Post

Things are still going great. But, I've spent the day helping Laura paint and I'm majorly tired. However I realize I haven't posted in a while and figured I should update my readers. So, here's a snapshot:

1. Things with Jonathan keep getting better everyday. I learn new things that I find so interesting and great, which makes me feel blessed over and over to have met him.

2. The job is going great. I love the doctors I work for. Dr. Connor even took us to lunch at Houlihan's for Secretary's Day! How awesome is that?!

3. I watched Dr. Connor perform a bilateral mastectomy with a sentinal node injection. I met with the patient from almost the very beginning to let her know that I would be there, and she actually seemed quite comforted by it. I only got lightheaded once! It wasn't even at a point where I saw anything happening, it was just the fact that I was in a small room with a lot of people and it was really really hot, plus I had layers on. So, I immediately had to leave and sit down before I fainted. While in the OR, Dr. Connor did let me come see the breast of the patient after all of the breast tissue was gone to show me what it looked like and what exactly she had to do. It was an experience I will never forget!

4. The latest I have had to work on a Friday is 1:45pm, so I am LOVING the 2 1/2 day weekends!

5. The roommate situation with my friend from Stein Mart is not going to work out after all, unfortunately, and it makes me very sad. But, what I've realized is that rooming with someone whom you were already friends with really probably isn't the best situation, even if it does sound great. Being roommates is such a different dynamic that is revolved around BILLS and friends should not have to put themselves in that awkward situation. So, it's back to the drawing board on where my next place of residence will be. All I know, is that I can't wait for my parents to get here to help me with the process!

6. I'm realizing more and more how little I need. In the almost 4 months since I was let go from Stein Mart I have indulged in very, very little shopping for myself. I believe I have bought one DVD, the 4th season of LOST of course, and only one book, a Jodi Picoult book of course. Now, mom did indulge me a little bit when I went home last time, where I came home with 3 shirts for only $20, the 1st season of The Tudors, and a haircut. All wonderful choices to feed my shopping hunger. Thank you, Mom! But other than that, I just am not shopping at all, and I really don't miss it. I guess every time I think about shopping, I think about rent instead, or my car payment, or just plainly, my future. My future house that will have to have a down payment, upgrading my furniture, etc etc. So, I guess what I'm saying is, having left Stein Mart and taking a cut in pay has probably been the best answer to getting me to really hunker down and stick to the necessities in life.

As It Should Be

Sleeping in 'til 11, aahhh. . .haven't done that in a while. Spending an entire day to myself and not turning on the tv until 8:30pm, haven't done that in a while either. Cleaning from 12-5, from the toilets to the bathtubs, from mopping every floor that can be mopped to dusting the tv. . .haven't done that much cleaning in a while. Cooking. . . . . . . . . . .well, that's just something I don't do. Ever.

Jonathan asked yesterday if I'd want to make spaghetti with him tonight and I said that sounds great. Basically, with the thought that he'd do most of it and I'd clean up afterwards. Sounds fair to me. Well, when he called to say he was running late from work and still had to go home and change and what not, I decided that I would go to the store myself instead of waiting on him. I got home with all of the goods and realized that it sure would be nice of me to just cook the meal, all by myself, for him. I also realize this was a good idea when I get a voicemail from him stating that he was leaving my apartment as he realized when he got here that he had forgotten his cell phone charger for his phone that was already on the verge of dying.

And I assure you, while it wasn't the hardest of recipes, it did involve a little more than throwing a jar of spaghetti sauce on top of some cooked noodles. When Jonathan finally arrived I had a nice vegetable medley stewing on the stove, the noodles coming to a nice boil, and french bread heating in the oven. He did proceed to make the salad from the fresh romaine lettuce I bought rather than the prepackaged kind we tend to buy, saying he couldn't just stand by and let me do everything.

And when he took his first bite he said it was perfect. It's not that I can't cook I've learned, it's just that I've tried for so long to not have to. But having someone as great as Jonathan to enjoy these meals with, he actually makes me want to cook and have this to do together. I actually really did enjoy myself tonight, something that's pretty much never occurred when I've tried cooking before.

Happiness. . .Pure and Simple

I'm not exactly sure when it happened or how, but it did. I've fallen in love, very much in love. And while I'd like to say it's been a long time since I've felt this way, honestly, I don't ever remember feeling this way about anyone. It's easy to love Jonathan, it's not a lot of work like it's been in the past. We get along, well. That's not to say we haven't had our disagreements, as is usual for any new relationship. I mean, we've basically coupled someone who has always been in a relationship and someone who has never been in one for any long period of time. So, that right there would make you think that we'd have a lot of issues. But they aren't anything we haven't been able to talk our way through (keyword: talk).

I've wondered time and time again if moving here 3 years ago wasn't God's grand plan to get me to start over in life. That it had absolutely nothing to do with me furthering my retail career, but really, it was to get me away from the comfortableness that was Edmond, OK and force me to re-evaluate my life. I can't tell you how many times before moving here and while living here, I just felt trapped. Trapped where I was in life, trapped in the decisions that I had made. I hastily chose the apartment complex that I'm living in now, and soon to be moving out of in late June, because I was suffocating in Blue Springs. I desperately wanted to be closer to my friends and just chose the closest place at the time. Now that I have a level head, I will be moving out and in with a friend from Stein Mart. It will be the first time I've had a true roommate and I am very excited and nervous about that. But as I told my worried mother, I'm not in a position to be extremely nitpicky about everything my friend may or may not do while living with her. I took a significant paycut, and cutting my rent by $327 would help me beyond belief. Plus, while working with her, we never clashed and I never got any bad feelings about her while working with her. We both love to do puzzles (which I have found to be quite unique!) and love movies, etc. I'm excited about this new phase that I'm soon to be entering in life and all of the new memories I will be making.

Back to Jonathan, because I know that's what you all really want to read about. . .

He makes me laugh; he make me smile from ear to ear; he makes me want to learn about the sports he enjoys; he is a BIG family person, something that is a MUST for me; he is extremely polite and has wonderful manners that put mine to complete shame; he puts an entire nest of butterflies in my stomach everyday; he takes my trash out before I have it overflowing; he's not a "game" person but is completely willing to learn (as long as I don't blow him out of the water everytime); he listens to me when I talk about my depression and has encouraged me to get back on my medicine; he's done my puzzle with me; he makes me want to be a better person; he sees the good parts in me even when I can't; he's not arrogant; he helps me to live in the present; he enjoys horror movies just as much as me; he's going to church with me; he makes me feel completely safe when I'm with him; he wants to take care of me; I like his family; I feel alive; we can talk for hours about anything and everything; simply put, I love him.


I love you, Not only for what you are; But for what I am When I am with you; I love you, Not only for what you have made of yourself, But for what you are making of me; I love you for the part of me that you bring out; I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart; And passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can't help dimply seeing there, and for drawing into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find. I love you because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life not a tavern but a temple; Out of the works of my every day not reproach, but a song. I love you because you have done more than any creed could have done to make me good, and more than any fate could have done to make me happy. You have done it without a touch, without a word, without a sign. You have done it by being yourself. Perhaps that is what being a friend means, after all.

Roy Croft


Thank you Jonathan for bringing me to life; for being the reason that poem touched me so; for being my friend, for supporting me, for loving me. Thank you.

Cedar Ridge CC

Jonathan and I visited Cedar Ridge Christian Church today and really enjoyed ourselves. We definitely plan on returning. Just thought I'd share their site with you.

HAPPY 34th ANNIVERSARY MOM & DAD!

I have loved watching your love, respect, and commitment grow stronger through the years. I feel so blessed to have come from such wonderful parents with such a strong relationship.

I Was Right. . .The Weekend Couldn't Come Soon Enough

It's not that I didn't enjoy getting up every morning having a reason to set my alarm again, get dressed up, and pack a lunch. It was a just a very, long week. I didn't really know what to expect out of orientation. I knew that I would be learning a lot, I just didn't realize how much and what about. We had speakers from almost every department it seemed, i.e. respiratory therapy, rapid response team, organ donation, domestic violence, etc, etc, etc. The one speaker we did not have which surprised me, was someone from the Cancer Center. The Cancer Center has been open for about a year and a half now and has and is doing some amazing things. And while we learned about all of the other amazing things that KUMED is doing, they didn't even spend 15 minutes on the new Cancer Center and all that it is doing, and yet one more reason why it sets KUMED apart from all other hospitals here as well. I knew that I would eventually get there and find out all about it, I just thought they'd want all new employees to know something about it as well. And what was even more frustrating, is that our education specialists that were in charge of us for the last 3 days said they had not even been to the Cancer Center. Just a little frustrating, when you think about how their job is to orient us to the hospital, and for everyone else in my orientation, were able to answer their questions, to some degree, about where they would specifically be working. Nope, not for the CC employees. So, you can bet that I put that on their orientation critique!

I'm just thankful that I made it through the week. I now have 2 binders and 3 folders full of information about KUMED, and that doesn't even include anything about my "actual" job or the Cancer Center. *WARNING* more binders/folders on their way!

I also had my first visit with my first regular hospice patient in the nursing home. I was a little nervous, but overall, it was a good experience. The next time I come back she wants me to bring my cards again and play another game with her. I left feeling like I cheered her up and gave her something to look forward to next week. And that's always a satisfying feeling.


I hope my family knows how much I wish I could be with them this weekend. My dad's uncle passed away this week and the funeral was today. Luckily, my two uncles that are out of town were able to make it into town and be there with the rest of the family. I know that made my grandpa especially happy. I love and miss all of you.

Day 2

This morning's portion of the orientation basically sucked. I looked around the room and we were all trying to keep from falling asleep. It was a 3 hour marathon on Safety Training: What to do in an emergency situation; needle safety; sprinkler system (they are not fully sprinkler equipped, yea!), fire safety; etc, etc, etc. It was a very long morning, and because the guest speakers kept going over their time, they shortened our 15 minute break to a 5 minute break, ugh. The second half of the day wasn't so bad, it was the Nursing Orientation portion. Anyone that is an RN, HCA/HCT, or Unit Secretary got to stay for this portion. In essence, we just went over a lot of the policies that we already went over yesterday, with a little more detail. We ended the day with a small tutorial about the KUMED website and what we will be able to do with it once we are able to get logged on, which will be tomorrow.

One of our speakers today spoke about the RN programs for those of us who do not have a nursing degree and a little bit about all of the opportunities. I also learned from a girl sitting two rows down, that if you work at a hospital, the state of Kansas has to pay for your nursing assistant certification, aka CNA. She apparently just got something in the mail about that since she is about to finish her certification. This option is just sounding more and more appealing. I asked her a little bit about her path in getting a CNA. She is doing it at Johnson Co. Community College and they have a full-time 2 week program and even night/weekend programs that are 8 or 10 weeks long. Definitely do-able! So I will be looking into that soon. If I decide to go ahead and go into nursing, this takes care of a lot of the pre-requisites for the nursing degree, plus I'll be certified and able to take extra shifts at the hospital for some extra cash. I'll let you know what I find out.

Overall, not a bad day, even though my pant's zipper did break at the beginning of the day and made me vey thankful that I wore a long shirt. I parked even further away today and since it was so nice when I was done for the day, I decided to skip the shuttle and walk. Going from working in retail always walking/practically running, to a basically sit-down job, I'm going to have to find some ways to fit in some extra exercise.

And On the Eighth Week. . .

she went back to work.


I am happy to report that I had a very successful first day at KUMED! While I didn't "work" today, I do feel that I definitely earned some paid time. Orientation with KUMED is definitely arduous to say the least. Not only did I just finish a tedious process of post-offer/pre-first day on the job (i.e., drug test, physical, getting BLS certified for healthcare providers {CPR} , online paperwork, etc), it is now a very long and lengthy orientation. I know all of this informtion is very important for my time that will be spent working here; believe me, I'm taking lots of notes. But it does eerily feel like my first day college, one small fish in a very LARGE ocean.

Speaking of college, you would think that with such a long day and it being very intimidating that going back to school would be the last thing on my mind. When actually, I found myself thinking of how nice it would be to go back and get my Masters or even go to nursing school. Right now, I just feel like the possibilities for me are endless, and that feels absolutely wonderful!

Oh, and I did manage to successfully park in the correct parking lot, walk the two blocks to get to my destination and get there 10 minutes early. Not so bad for the first day, seems how this was the part that was causing me the most anxiety.

I can't wait to see how the rest of the week turns out. Even though I am so excited to have structure back in my life and a reason to wear my "business casual" outfits again, I do believe I will be thankful for the weekend when it arrives.

One last thing. . .I received both my new Kansas DL and Social Security card in the mail today. I am a Meadows again and could not be happier!

Overwhelmed, Blessed, and Sleeping In

I just received my packet of new hire information from KU. Not exactly the package I wanted to receive from FEDEX on Valentine's Day, but what are you gonna do? Inside contained my new hire orientation schedule, direct deposit form, my lengthy job description, a HUGE brochure on parking alone which left me, well, completely overwhelmed. My recruiter did however forget to include the parking form and map for the Westwood Campus (I am presuming this is the campus in which the Cancer Center resides, and yes, I do feel stupid for not even being entirely sure of this). I emailed her to let her know that I was missing that, especially since my orientation schedule said to be sure to have this so that I may obtain a vey important sticker for my car. I receive an automatic reply stating that she will not be in her office Monday, so hopefully I will get a hold of her before the end of the week.

My friend Catie, who also works at KU , and of course helped me find this great job opportunity went through much of the same worries and anxiety as I am starting to feel as well. Her posts about this have helped me work through my anxiety. I know that she will be a rock for me when I truly need it. Thank you!!!

But right now, I feel very lost in it all. The parking alone has got me feeling very anxious. And while I do realize I will get used to it, as we all seem to do, I do remember Catie saying something about parking being a nightmare. Ugh.

What I am excited about is having yet one more week without responsibilities. Now this doesn't mean that I can allow myself to be irresponsible (i.e., going out and spending lots of money that I will soon not have), it just means that I get to sleep in, go to bed late, and take advantage of the things that I will not be able to do once I start my new job. Ahh, the good life.

Full Circle

Here's my update:

1. Had a phone interview with VF Corporation for a store manager position, but they passed on me for my lack of store management experience. Remember Laresa: Things happen for a reason. Wasn't meant to be.

2. Bundled up and headed to The Legends and turned in my resume to many different stores, and landed myself an interview with Claire's. Just what I needed to end the day.

3. Miscommunication from the HR Department of KUMED (and my not asking further questions and being too sheepish) caused for a re-offer of employment today. Yea!

4. My old District Director from Stein Mart calls to offer me an Assistant Manager position again. The catch? Relocate to St. Louis. While just being back with Stein Mart sounds appealing, relocating to a town full of no one's, when I'm not even sure where Stein Mart will be in a year seals the deal that that would have been the easiest and dumbest decision at the same time. It is time for CHANGE!

5. Decide to take the offer at KUMED. While change is incredibly scary, it's even more scary to think about staying in retail in an economy like this, and if I want a change in my life, this is THE time to do it. My degree is in the helping field and that is exactly what I want to get back to doing. So what if I have to live paycheck to paycheck for a while? I won't be doing it forever, and I have to start somewhere. (plus, being out of retail means 1/4 of my check won't be going right back into it!)

6. Did I mention that since I've never known a year with more than 11 weekends off, evenings free, without a can't wait til it's over holiday season, I have absolutely no idea how to fathom now having those things? I'm so flippin' excited!

7. I've also learned that I needed this time to evalute where I am in life and what I want from it. If I had taken the KUMED job when it was first offered, I would not have learned as much about myself as I've had the chance to do these past 4 1/2 weeks. I would have still had a lot of "what ifs" and those are never fun. So, I truly believe that I've been given a second chance with them because that's how it was supposed to work out. It sucked and I definitely would have had more money in my pocket had I taken it the first time around, but money can't buy life lessons. One that I am grateful to have had, and will be all the more prepared if it ever happens again.

Frustrated

I've now tried to contact the unemployment office 3 times since I was laid off. And every time, I of course can't speak to someone and have to go through the automated questionnaire. (I also HAVE to apply by phone due to the fact that I was employed by 2 different states in the past 18 mos, they just won't let you do it any other way b/c of that!) And now, everytime that I have made it through the 13 minute average call, at the end they have either told me 1) due to a high number of people already on hold, we suggest that you call back at a later time, or visit our website at blah blah blah.gov or 2) 3 minutes past 4 o'clock mind you, now that you have finished the first part of the application, you must speak to a representative to finish. . .our office is currently closed at this time (they close at 4 o'clock, you would think people would be working overtime right now!), we suggest that you call back at a later time or visit our website at blah blah blah.gov.

I would like to call back, I would like to do the responsible thing and go ahead and line up unemployment in case I don't find a job past my severance pay, but apparently, no time is good to call.

Back to the job search. . .

Struggling

I wasn't prepared for the immense hit to my ego this lay-off would cause. It has made me feel quite inadequate, invaluable since I was just a number, and overall, ill-confident in my abilities. Looking back and analyzing myself and my situation, I know it's valid to feel this way, but I should just remember all of these things aren't true. Your family and friends would all agree. But it's very hard to remember during these long days of looking for jobs that don't seem appealing, days that just wear on and on. I feel as though it's been a month since I worked last when really it's only been 11 days.

Wednesday, I had my first interview at KUMED's Cancer Center. My good friend, Catie who works there talked highly of me which pushed me through to the interview much faster. It was a great interview. I feel I carried myself well and communicated my abilities and attributes the same. Unfortunately though, it turned out to just not be the right job. I think in a different time in my life it definitely could have been or could be, but just not right now. They called me to offer the job and I turned it down. I knew it was the right thing to do, but still, it was very hard. To think that it could have been my only offer of a job scared the heck out of me. Or, to think that it could have been my best offer. It is all just so frightening.

Since Wednesday, I haven't taken but two showers I think. I haven't really gotten out of this apartment except for last night, when I went to Laura's for some dinner and scrapbooking. I haven't put on makeup or done my hair since Wednesday. I just haven't had the motivation.
I am scared of getting out, because generally getting out means spending some amount of money. Money that is no longer coming in, money that I no longer have the ability to be careless about. Money that needs to last me until I find this job that is out there somewhere.
There is this dichotomy I have of being scared about a new job/career altogether, but also being scared of not even finding that new job. Overall, I'm pretty much just scared.

That's where I am today. And the only silver lining that I have found today, literally, is a receipt for something I've been wanting to return and couldn't without it. Well, at least there's a little bit of money that will be coming at me shortly.

1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5

One of my favorite shows is LOST, and on the very first episode, Jack (Matthew Fox) tells Kate (Evangeline Lily) a story of when he was performing surgery and something terrible went wrong. He said that he allowed the fear to come in. He said he would allow it to take over his entire being, but just for 5 seconds. After that, the fear would be gone and he would continue to do what he had to, to make the surgery a success. And it was.

Last week was probably one of the worst weeks in my life thus far. On Tuesday, I was laid off from my job at Stein Mart, a job that I loved, after 6 1/2 years of climbing the ladder. On Wednesday morning I was due in court for the finalization of my divorce. And on Friday, my beloved pet and child, Baxter, was on his way to Oklahoma to stay there for the next six months. I'm not sure I could have handled any more than that.

The corporate wide lay-off at Stein Mart included 178 Assistant Mangers, taking all but the top 50 stores from 2 and sometimes 3 assistants, down to just 1. It also included 5 District Managers and 26 other corporate and field positions. In my specific store case, the other assistant and I performed at the same level, so the decision was based on seniority. It was effective that day, which meant cleaning out my desk immediately followed the terrible news. My District Manger felt awful telling me the news, since she had absolutely no say in the decision. It gives me comfort to know that it really did just come down to years spent with the company rather than questioning whether my performance was a factor. I even told her after she gave me the news, "I guess it doesn't always pay to climb the ladder fast."

I am at peace with the divorce and am embracing a whole new outlook on life. I have a man of interest right now and my goal is to just have as much fun as I possibly can. I plan on coming out of my shell, opening myself up to new and exciting adventures I might never have done before, and making decisions based on what I want, rather than what I think people expect of me, one of my biggest downfalls thus far.

I am completely sad about losing Baxter, especially during a time when I could use his company the most. I haven't not had Baxter since the first month that I moved here almost 3 years ago. I miss his personality, cuddling, and feeling of protection. It's very quiet here, cleaner, yes, but much quieter. Although I do have to say, I don't miss taking him out 5-10 times a day. There's always a silver lining.

Everyday since I was laid off, I get a mini panic attack. Tears will start surfacing out of nowhere. I know I will find a job, a better job soon. It's just so hard to remain confident having been forced into this situation. It would be much easier to look for a job had it been my decision to leave, on my timeline. But it's not, and I know that I have to stay focused, proactive, and confident. I just wish these small panic attacks would go away soon.

I find myself also counting to five. To let in the sadness, pain, anger, and fear. To let it consume me, only to then use those emotions and put them where they are needed most: starting over. How many people get to start over in both their professional and personal lives all at the same time? I have gained much experience and perspective from the chapter in my life that has just ended, to do nothing but help me with the next. I'm starting over fresh, only this chapter of my life, I have a feeling, will be much sweeter this time around. I know it will.