Struggling

I wasn't prepared for the immense hit to my ego this lay-off would cause. It has made me feel quite inadequate, invaluable since I was just a number, and overall, ill-confident in my abilities. Looking back and analyzing myself and my situation, I know it's valid to feel this way, but I should just remember all of these things aren't true. Your family and friends would all agree. But it's very hard to remember during these long days of looking for jobs that don't seem appealing, days that just wear on and on. I feel as though it's been a month since I worked last when really it's only been 11 days.

Wednesday, I had my first interview at KUMED's Cancer Center. My good friend, Catie who works there talked highly of me which pushed me through to the interview much faster. It was a great interview. I feel I carried myself well and communicated my abilities and attributes the same. Unfortunately though, it turned out to just not be the right job. I think in a different time in my life it definitely could have been or could be, but just not right now. They called me to offer the job and I turned it down. I knew it was the right thing to do, but still, it was very hard. To think that it could have been my only offer of a job scared the heck out of me. Or, to think that it could have been my best offer. It is all just so frightening.

Since Wednesday, I haven't taken but two showers I think. I haven't really gotten out of this apartment except for last night, when I went to Laura's for some dinner and scrapbooking. I haven't put on makeup or done my hair since Wednesday. I just haven't had the motivation.
I am scared of getting out, because generally getting out means spending some amount of money. Money that is no longer coming in, money that I no longer have the ability to be careless about. Money that needs to last me until I find this job that is out there somewhere.
There is this dichotomy I have of being scared about a new job/career altogether, but also being scared of not even finding that new job. Overall, I'm pretty much just scared.

That's where I am today. And the only silver lining that I have found today, literally, is a receipt for something I've been wanting to return and couldn't without it. Well, at least there's a little bit of money that will be coming at me shortly.